Hearing Loss and Relationships: Managing Sound at Night | Hearing Aids at Night
This post is part of a larger, ongoing project about how hearing loss affects relationships, communication, and everyday life.
If you are new to the series, you can begin here:
https://tamcolearning.com/hearing-loss-and-relationships-home/
Sometimes the hardest part of hearing loss at night happens after the hearing aids come out.
One night, Linda woke her husband, Mark, by shaking him hard and pushing him to get up quickly. Half asleep and confused, Mark stumbled out of bed and stepped directly in cat puke.
Mark was angry that he had been yanked out of bed and stepped in cat puke. Linda felt guilty and frustrated because she could not get up herself.
From Mark's point of view, he had been suddenly shoved out of bed for no reason.
Linda's point of view was, she had recently injured her knee and could not get out of bed quickly. She needed Mark's help right away and did not know how else to get his attention.
Neither person was wrong. They simply did not have a plan.
Many couples do not realize how much changes once the hearing aids come out at night. During the day, you may not even notice how often you naturally get your partner's attention before you speak. In the daytime, there are hearing aids, lipreading, routines, and ways to get each other's attention. At night, it is dark. People are tired. Hearing aids are on the nightstand. One person often becomes responsible for doing all of the listening.
For Jan and Bill, that arrangement worked until Bill spent one night in the hospital.
Jan did not realize how much she depended on her husband, Bill, to hear at night until Bill was in the hospital. A storm came through, a tree fell in the yard, and Bill tried to call because he was worried. Jan never heard the phone or the storm and did not know any of it happened until the next morning, when she was startled by the neighbor letting himself into the house. Bill had called him to check on her.
Hearing Loss at Night: When One Person Does All the Listening
Many couples end up with one person doing most of the listening at night.
In Mark and Linda's home, Linda woke up to the low battery chirp from the smoke alarm. With her sore knee, she could not safely climb the ladder to change the battery herself.
She tried to wake Mark and tell him what was wrong, but he had already taken out his hearing aids. Mark kept saying, "What?" and then finally rolled over and went back to sleep.
After listening to the chirp for far too long, Linda hobbled to the overhead light switch and blasted both of them awake. Mark covered his eyes and said, "What is going on?" Their eyes took time to adjust, and by then both of them were upset.
Linda was frustrated that Mark seemed to dismiss her. Mark was frustrated because he still had no idea what she had been trying to tell him.
That person hears the dog bark, the low battery chirp from the smoke alarm, the weather alert, the cell phone text alert, or the strange noise the HVAC is making. They are also the person who notices when the baby cries, when Mom is wandering, or when someone says, "I am going to sleep on the couch tonight."
Often, neither partner talks about it. Nobody sits down and says, "You are now in charge of all the listening." It just slowly becomes part of life.
The problem is that the hearing partner is not always there.
Sometimes one person is traveling. Perhaps someone is sick and sleeping in another room. Possibly the hearing partner simply sleeps through it.
If one person is responsible for all of the listening, what happens when they are not there?
Talk Before Taking Out Hearing Aids at Night
One of the simplest changes many couples make is to pause before taking out hearing aids for the night.
Right before the lights go out, try asking:
"Do you need to tell me anything before I take these out?"
That one question gives both people a chance to share important information before communication becomes harder.
Maybe one person needs to leave early for work. Perhaps the dog has been sick. There is a weather warning overnight. It could be nothing at all.
You do not have to make bedtime complicated. You just do not want to discover at 2:00 in the morning that you have no plan.
It can be tempting to try sleeping with hearing aids in so you do not miss something. Most hearing aids are not designed to be worn while sleeping. They can whistle against the pillow, become uncomfortable, break more easily, or trap moisture and earwax.
For many people, sleeping in hearing aids also leads to poorer sleep because every rustle of the pillow, blanket, or hair becomes louder.
Instead of trying to wear hearing aids all night, it is usually better to have a plan for how you will communicate and what sounds you need to hear.
Create Signals Before You Need Them
This kind of non-verbal communication can make nighttime much easier when hearing aids are out.
Couples communicate better at night when they agree on a few simple signals ahead of time.
Most couples already have little routines. Maybe you always say "I love you" before going to sleep and do not take the hearing aids out until that happens. Maybe one person taps their partner's ear to mean, "Put your hearing aids in." Maybe there is a flashlight on the headboard within reach of both people. When the old dog needs to go out, the flashlight is simply passed back and forth without a word. Build on those habits instead of starting from scratch.
For example:
- Two squeezes of the hand means: "I love you" or "Goodnight."
- A tap on the shoulder means: "I need you to put your hearing aids in. I need to tell you something important." Mirror what you already do during the day when the hearing aids are in. Give your partner time to reach for the hearing aids, put them in, and let you know they are ready to listen.
- A cheek rub means: "This is not urgent, but I want to tell you something."
- Drawing an X on the shoulder or arm means: "Emergency. Follow me now."
The X signal can be especially helpful for the kinds of moments when people would normally whisper or shout instructions.
There may be smoke in the house. It could be a burglar. Someone might be at the door. Or a family member may need help.
In those moments, there is no time to start explaining.
You already know what the signal means.
Some couples also find it helpful to use light.
The flashlight on the headboard can become part of the signal. Shine the light toward the hearing aids on the nightstand to mean, "Put your hearing aids in."
For a simple message, point the flashlight toward your face so your partner can lipread without having to turn on the harsh overhead light.
Nighttime Communication Is Not Only About Emergencies
Most nights, it is not an emergency.
It is:
- "I left my medicine in the kitchen. Can you get it for me?"
- "Your cell phone keeps buzzing."
- "I forgot to tell you the plumber is coming in the morning."
- "Can you hand me the heating pad?"
- "The grandbaby is awake."
- "The trash can blew over outside."
- "You are hogging the blanket again."
These are small moments, but they still matter.
When couples have a plan, there are fewer middle-of-the-night arguments and fewer moments when one person feels ignored.
No one has to be startled awake, shoved out of bed, left guessing, or standing in cat puke at 2:00 in the morning.
Do Not Wait for a Problem
Many people wait until there is a frightening moment or a big misunderstanding before they make a plan.
It is much easier to talk about signals, routines, and nighttime communication before you need them.
It is also important not to put all of the responsibility on one person to do all of the listening.
A few simple routines can make a big difference.
Do not wait until there is an emergency, a scary night, or an argument. Make a plan now. Practice now. That way one person is not left doing all of the listening alone.
Devices can help too. Alarm clocks for people with hearing loss, smoke alarms for hearing loss, and other nighttime alert devices for hearing loss can make a big difference. Most families already have emergency plans. They have smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and weather alerts. The question is whether those plans still work without hearing aids.
Can you hear the smoke alarm? The low battery chirp? A weather alert? A text message in the middle of the night?
As hearing changes, your emergency plans need to change too. Vibrating alarms, flashing smoke alarms, weather alerts, and other tools can make nighttime safer and easier. I have linked some of my current recommendations here.
Like the other articles in this series, this is not really about cat puke, smoke alarm chirps, or who is hogging the blanket. It is about the small ways hearing loss changes everyday life and how couples can make those moments easier.
This is only one part of the conversation. Later in this series, I will talk more about how hearing loss can affect other parts of nighttime communication and relationships.
Until then, ask one question before the hearing aids come out:
"Do you need to tell me anything before I take these out?"
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